The Greatest Villains Ever........Ruined.

 

There is nothing better than a great movie villian; kind that make your hairs stand on end, your pants a little wetter and your energy bill a little higher due to the fact that you can't sleep without the light on. You can't go wrong in the movies with a truly brilliant villian. Yet when the epitome of all evil comes screaming onto our screams, someone out there seems determined to ruin them.

 

Captain Hook.

Ignore all you know about Captain Hook as he stands, we will discuss that later, because his camp running around is about as scary as a fluffy toothpick. If you actually went to the origins of Hook and you describe exactly what he is, then that is absolutely terrifying. Let's see; Captain Hook is a hook handed Pirate hell bent on killing a bunch of children who dare interfere with his plans. Children. He is a merciless child killer, or at least he tries to be. Captain Hook has gone from shooting cannonballs to poisoning fairies. He wants to take over Neverland and destroy Peter Pan, a boy who cut off his hand and fed it to a flipping crocodile! Captain Hook is all about sweet vengence; sweet vengence against CHILDREN!

(A grown man pointing a sword at child? Hilarious!)

What Ruined Him:

("Smee, I think I lost my diginity")

Disney. Disney ruined him. The best proof to this is to watch Hook, which incidentally isn't a Disney movie, or read the book. In those two, Captain Hook sure has his funny moments but overall he is a fiendish fellow who haunts the children and lurks in the shadows, kidnapping and killing all who stand in his way. In Hook, he has a "boobboo" box where he pops his Pirates in with scorpians to torture them. Like some fairytale "Saw" game. Yet if you watch this,

or this.

You'll find that despite Hook's murderous intentions, he runs around like a clumsy lunatic. In the recent "Jake And The Neverland Pirates," cartoon series, Hook now is thwarted by coconuts, electric guitars and the most annoying group of children since Dora the Explorer. Ok, so I know that for pre-schoolers and toddlers would be horrifically scarred if every week Hook gutted Jake and his band of merry Pirates (who are good pirates, for the love of God) but at least give them some scary mental nightmares with a villian who isn't easily thwarted by a red headed pre pubescent fly.

 

Jason Voorhees

The most scary thing about Jason Voorhees in "Friday the 13th" is that he doesn't, well, he isn't really the killer. It's his mum. The legend of him is what spurs the plot on and incidentally makes Alice all crazy. The "ghost" of Jason, a boy who died at the camp at the hands of his counsellors, stalks a bunch of drugged up horny teenagers and kills them all, all except the virgin. The memory of Jason, all though not him, stalks his mothers prey. It is his death and therefore his presence in the camp that wakes up many a parent in cold shivers.

(And you think your mum was crazy for banning you from your school disco)

What Ruined Him.

He did.

He and the countless amount of sequels that Hollywood spurned off including a epic fail of a reboot. The minute Jason turned up to, you know, be alive is the moment the series went down hill. So Jason didn't die and therefore his mother's lunatic killing spree was basically all for nothing. Jason goes in vengence of his mother who hit the bucket in vegence for him. Of course, the sequel was a pile of repetitive rubbish but the worst thing they did to Jason was they made him, kind of, immortal. Just as they did with Micheal Myers, Jason died about 4953496639 times but always seemed to have some elaborate excuse the next film to why he didn't die. And let's not get started on the fact they sent him to space.

SPACE!

Alien

Talking about terrifying things in space, Alien and the sequel Aliens was a triumph of tense monstrous cinema. The first movie, just one Alien stalked an entire crew of humans, sexed the faces of many a man and then forced them to give birth. Minus being castrated, it was every guy's nightmare. Alien's had acidic blood and feasted on you while you were still alive. Not just this but throughout the first movie, you never actually saw the Alien properly and the crazy monsters you made up in your head made it all worse. And at the end, and in Aliens, you saw finally saw the crazy assed beasts.

(Argghghgh)
From the mind of H.R Geiger (Damn him,) this rejected hell spawn demon of Satan due to its inexplicable horror is what plagued us for several decades. This was one Alien species you didn't wan't to mess with.

What Ruined Them;

This.

Now, I have explored with Jason just how mean sequels can be when it comes to ruining their villians. But, this was, I don't even know. The baby Alien that is part Alien, part Ripley wasn't so much a rejected by Satan for being to evil, but rejected for being so cute. Cute, yes that is all we want from a movie monster. We get a cute baby Alien and then we see it get it's brain sucked out.

Not so much scary as disturbing.

(Whose a cute little Alien?)

Darth Vader.

If you don't know Darth Vader then thank you Cave person for making Cookie N Screen the only media outlet you use, I am honoured. So Darth Vader is one mean space bastard. He is a leather clad, boot wearing boss with the greatest inhaler ever created. He kills those who just hesitate at his brilliant plans. Darth Vader isn't the best father in the world and despite ultimately sacrificing himself for Luke, his son, he does spend a major part of the original triology trying to destroy his sons hopes, slicing his sons hand off, imprisoning his daughter and did I mention the amount of killing this man does? He built a mechanic planet in the sky and called it The Death Star; it destroys planets!

(Not even completed and its still scar.)

What Ruined Him;

George Bloody Lucas and his constant pimping out of his greatest series ever created. Like a hooker on the street corner, Vader is now used and abused across the board taking away any prowess he had as a bad ass villian. If he isn't in adverts selling anything from cars to washing machines.

He is on cups;

 

he is on bed sheets;

 

he is a bloody toaster;

and he is in some Kinect dancing game that features the song "I'm Hans Solo."

(A thousand geeks just cried out.)

Darth Vader's fear that he once installed to geeks and nerds everywhere has now been lost into shameless plugging and merchandise. So while he sits kind of pathetically waiting to appear in a fast food commercial, Lucas is rolling about in thousands of $100 notes that no doubt he made to have Vaders face on them.

You know, because he can.

("Have you been paying too much for your car insurance?")

Dr Hannibal Lecter.

Hannibal Lecter is by far one of the most scary villians ever created. From his original portrayal by Brian Cox (that's the actor, not the mad scientist) to Anthony Hopkins Oscar winning performance in Silence Of The Lambs, Lecter has roamed the darkest corners of our mind eating away all of our hopes and dreams with just a simple stare. His brilliance and supposed insanity makes him a cold villian; he could read you like an open book, toy with you and bring back all those haunting memories; cutting you down to a blubbering slobbering mess. Oh yes, he also eats people and wears their faces.

(I may try this to get out of the office.)

Now in the original series, there must have been some dark reason that created Lecter? You know, some kind of horrible backstory that made us all go "oh oh ohhhhhh that's why!" What no?

(He is looking into my soulllll.)

He didn't? You mean, we are led to believe that Hannibal Lecter just roams around cities killing people for the most strained reasons. Can't play the flute? Oh you're dead. Try to question me in a census? Oh, I'm munching on your live. Flick semen at an unexpected trainee FBI officer? I'm gonna talk you into suicide! Hannibal Lecter sliced and diced without a cause and that's what made him so....haunting.

 

What Ruined Him;

(Evil has never looked so hot)
For the love of all things Thomas Harris, they gave him a blooming backstory! In book and film "Hannbal Rising," they elaboratly took us to Lecters past and not just gave him a reason for being evil, they gave him the mother of all reasons for being evil (if you refuse to understand why Hannibal is evil, look away now;) dead murdered sister who was eaten by Russian soldiers. No, Lecter is no longer some evil murderer who would kill you if you didn't say "bless you" when you sneazed, he was someone who understandably went a bit crazy due to the death of his sister.

 

Something I'm pretty sure we would all do in that situation.

 

Well, face wearing aside.

Ok, maybe the face wearing.

 

TTFN
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